I can’t decide how I feel about you. I mean, when we are talking, there are times that I am glad and times when I ask myself, why? Like, even right now, I wanted to write this for a long time but now that I am writing it, I don’t want to anymore. I just cannot decide how I feel about you. I honestly don’t even think it has anything to do with you. I think it has to do all with me. I think the reason I love you the way I do is purely selfish. I know how sad that is. It’s absolutely pathetic and disgusting and I am an awful person. But I can’t change how things are. I have tried to, but I can’t do it. It’s who I am. I won’t stop trying to change it, but don’t expect any results from me anytime soon. You see, the reason I don’t feel terrible about this whole situation that we are, which, I know that I should, but I don’t really feel all that bad, is that I know your reasons for loving me are purely selfish as well. I know I am just a girl that is there when no one else is. I know that. I know it much better than you think. I know that in any other circumstances, you would not have liked me very much. I probably would just note how attractive you were and then leave it to that because of how you can get. But the circumstances under which we came together, well, you needed me. You really needed me. And I knew how much you needed me. I think I kind of relished in the thought of being needed. I was at a point in my life where I needed to feel needed, if that makes any sense. It was at a point where everything was stagnant and I needed a change. I needed something to come save me or I would suffocate and die. You came along and your story was unlike any other. I think that is why I believed you so readily when you told me the outrageous things that happened to you. I was hungry for something different, you were something different. You were so unbelievably different that you stuck out in my life like an elephant in the room. Your story was different, it was exciting. I couldn’t wait to come back and see what happened to you now. That sounds disgusting. Like I was someone going to go watch an execution because I had nothing better to do. It wasn’t like that. I want to assure you of that. It was never like that. I honestly did care about you. I still do care about you. When you told me those things, I was horrified. I wanted to make it stop. I wanted to save you from it in anyway I could. I don’t want to say I was addicted to you, but in a way, I was. I think I can safely say it was a lot of the same for you. I was just here when you had absolutely no one to turn to. I found the things you went through repulsive. You needed someone to feel that for you. Because everyone around you found what was happening to you completely normal. I am not trying to earn any brownie points. Or make any claims of saving you. I am just trying to explain how much you needed me and how I needed you just as much as you needed me. But, things are only good for so long. I know why you did what you did. We were getting too close. It could almost be unhealthy, how close we were getting. But that doesn’t change the fact that the way you reacted was probably not the best. I want to blame you. I want to hold everything against you. I just can’t. It would be insanely wrong of me to do so. I love you. I honestly do. I can say that much. But I am having my doubts about how much. I am having my doubts about whether you even deserve to have someone like me in your life. I know that sounds conceited but, honestly, I am one of the best things to happen to you in a while. You and I both know that. And you are a really good thing that happened to me too. You got things moving around here for me. I was driving myself crazy. You see, I am very ambitious and goal orientated. I had absolutely nothing and I was going crazy because of it. You came along and my goal became to see if you were okay and if I could do anything to change it. You usually weren’t okay and you told me that I made things better. That got me hooked. There was this new ambition for me. Making you happy. Making you feel better. I guess in a way, I used you. But it was always in a way that way for you and about you and I know you gained a lot from that. So, even though I used you, in a way, you enjoyed how I made you feel. Through doing what I did, I should you that you are just as valuable as the next person. Which you are, you truly are. You are amazing person. I know you are. I believe it wholeheartedly. You just aren’t a very good friend. That is understandable, the situation you are in, it’s preposterous for me to ask you to be an amazing friend. What bothers me is that you don’t try. You don’t try and I let you get away with it. Every. single. time. You push me away and it hurts but I run back to you because I tell myself you are in a bad situation. It’s like a cycle now, you go through periods of loving me and then not caring about me. Right now, it’s stuck on a period of loving me but pushing me away. You are distant and usually you are cold. You act like I don’t say half the things I do and it just isn’t right. I never thought I would be caught in a cycle like this. Hell, I used to frown upon girls that did. Now I am in one and I can see I need to get out but I can’t figure out how I can without things ending badly. I still don’t want to lose you, even though this whole thing has been about me saying how we should end this. But honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I know I said that before but it was just words. But this time I am serious. I don’t like how much effort I put into you when I don’t get very much in return. It isn’t fair to me. Maybe I am crazy and demanding too much of you. But I can’t help it. I wrote you a three page letter and well, that day you said it made you cry and that you loved me and you even tried to write me a letter in return. The next day and thereafter, it was all the same stuff again. Like the letter was never written. You love me, you hurt me. You aren’t even my boyfriend and you stress me out. I am confused. The best thing to do would be to block and delete you from my life now. But that would make me really sad. I love you. I really do. Maybe not as much as I thought. And you love me, but not as much as I would like to hope. So where does that leave us? I think the thing that really pushed me to write this letter was the dream I had last night. About you and Morgan. I cannot stop thinking about it. I think my jealousy in the dream and how hurt I was in the dream really shook some sense into me. This isn’t right. I don’t deserve this. Not with someone like you, someone who wouldn’t think twice about me if he wasn’t in the situation he is in, now. Someone who probably uses me just as much as I used him. What kind of a relationship is this? Where we need each other so much and we use each other like this. Is this even love? Do I even love you? Do you love me? I am so confused. I think that Morgan was supposed to represent that girl you are seeing. Your friend with benefits. I am now thinking that I might just be jealous of her but it was easier to put Morgan into my dream. I have no true right to be jealous. Especially when it doesn’t even phase you when I mention a boy. More specifically, you don’t care at all when I mention anything about my life. Our conversations are so awkward. With long silences. And they aren’t comfortable silences, they are awkward ones where I keep trying to find things to say but I can’t think of anything that would make things better. You are gone now. And I think about you a lot. A lot more than I would like too. But it’s not of you and I together. Or anything romantic in anyway. You know what it mainly is? I have this strange want to try and impress you. I don’t know why. You see, I am a people pleaser by nature. It is what I do best and I hate that I am one, but I can’t help it. Most of the time, when I have nothing to do except think, I make up situations in my head where I am fantastic and I am beautiful and I am the woman I want to be and I can look at everyone who ever let me down or let me go in the eye and say, “Don’t you regret giving up on me now?” Because it’s the worst feeling in the world, being given up on. It’s happened one too many times. So, I have this strong need to want to impress you. Maybe make you fall in love with me. And hurt you like you hurt me. No, that’s a bit extreme. Not that bad. But still, I want to feel important. You called me insecure. I suppose that word defines my very existence in a way no other word will. More than I am beautiful, hilarious, fashionable, I am insecure. It defines a lot of things I do. I have a lot of things to be secure about. I have parents who are all right, most of the time. I have a sister who is absolutely amazing if only I wasn’t compared to her in every possible way or if it wasn’t blatantly obvious people like her more because she is the social butterfly. But most of all, if she wasn’t so unbelievably nice and loving to me. I have two best friends who make my life amazing in their own way. Selenia for always listening to me and making me laugh and taking me places and having really awkward conversations with me without breaking into a giggle fit until neither of us can hold it and we burst out laughing on the floor in fits. Morgan for listening to me bitch about everyone and everything, including you. For always loving me and for being there for me when I need her, be it four in the morning. And for laughing at my stupid jokes and making me happy. I have a lot to be happy about. But I still have this crazy want to impress people that aren’t so impressed with me. I hate it so much. but it’s like I just can’t look at the happy I have to look at the sad and make it better which makes it worse. But that is my problem. I think all of this is my problem. It has nothing to do with you. I am never going to be good enough for you, or anyone else for that matter, if I am not good enough for myself. The only sad thing about knowing that is no matter how hard I have tried, I can’t change that I am not good enough for myself. So, I suppose this means I will never be good enough. That’s all right. I will just get a cat and live in my dream house alone. As long as I have my books and my internet. And my favorite people dropping in once in a while. On that note, this is insanely long. I am going to stop my rambling now.

Fairy Princess says:

I hope so.

I had a dream about you last night.

Morgan says:

what happened?

Fairy Princess says:

It was about you and Gabriel…

Morgan says:

?

Fairy Princess says:

You guys apparently started talking, and you didn’t even tell me.

And he loved you.

Like he loves me now,

maybe more.

Possibly.

And he didn’t love me as much anymore.

And it was a lot like the Dan situation.

Except it hurt worse.

Because you both loved each other.

And like, he and I were talking and I think you were beside me,

and he was like, I remember this for some reason,

“I love you both, very much.”

And I was like,

I can’t do this.

And I didn’t speak to either one of you anymore.

It wasn’t because I was mad or anything.

I still loved you both.

It was just that I was really hurt, and in my heart, I knew I had no right to be hurt. So I honestly couldn’t get mad at either of you.

Morgan says:

urm, wow…

Fairy Princess says:

But I got really jealous. Of you because of how you took one of the most special people in my life away from me. And him because you are my best friend and I love you so much.

And I just couldn’t talk to you guys and pretend it didn’t hurt.

So I stopped talking to both of you.

I know right?

It felt so real.

I woke up unbelievably sad.

(via totallytani)

Why am I so nice to him? Why am I such a good friend to him? What has he ever done to even deserve someone as good as I am to him in his life? I would really like to have someone answer these questions for me. Because God knows I have absolutely no idea why. He always does this. Every single time. And I always let him off the hook. He is a bad friend more than he is a good friend. Yet I still can’t let go. He takes me for granted. I wrote a fucking three page letter to him. Did it change anything? Anything at all? No. It didn’t. It fucking didn’t. It never fucking matters. No matter how much I care about him or how good I am to him he always. fucks. it. up. Every. fucking. time. Why? Why? Why? Why? I am the stupidest girl in the world to still be talking to him. I don’t even like him in that way. I am not attracted to him romantically or anything like that. That is what makes this even more ridiculous. I love him. Why? What has he ever done to deserve my love? NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! Yet, I am very pissed off at him right now and saying all of these things. But soon, I will calm down and I will be like, oh I didn’t mean it. BUT I SHOULD MEAN IT. Why is he allowed to treat me like shit when no one else is? What happened to the Tanya that promised she would NEVER EVER let a boy treat her like that. The one who looked scornfully at all the girls who let boys treat them in such a mean way. Just because they said I love you later. Why does it even matter if they love you after if they are mean to you and have to remind you or themselves that they love you? I don’t know what it is here. But this is getting ridiculous. So I am going to do what I do best. And I am going to push him away. Here is my bet that he isn’t coming back. And you know what? I think that is okay with me. It might not be now but it will be later. Eventually though, well maybe not completely forget about him, but I will stop being sad when I hear his name. I won’t care anymore. I won’t miss him anymore. But you see, it shouldn’t even take that long. Because he has given me NOTHING to miss him over. Ever. He has done nothing kind to me or for me. I just don’t know why I pour my heart out to him and let him just soak it in and then all I get is a fucking “oh”. he has no idea how much that pisses me off. So fucking much. UGH. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, honestly. Not long. It is either going to end with him being a better friend or us just never talking again. And I know him so I know he is going to take the easy way out. He always takes the easy way out. That’s what his life is about. I don’t need to fill my life with people like him. People like any of the ones I have in my life right now. I need new friends. I need a new place. I need a new life.

I feel like I am going to faint. Right now. That is so weird. I bet it’s this medication I am taking. Hmm. I can’t wait to not be in pain anymore. Well, physical pain at least. I think I am going to always be in pain emotionally. Isn’t that such a sad thought? I wish it wasn’t true. But I feel like I just wouldn’t know how to function if I wasn’t hurting emotionally. That makes me feel so stupid and ridiculous. It should too. This is absolutely awful. Whatever. I can’t change the way I have functioned for years. It’s like a bad habit. Easy to form, impossible to break. Story of my life right there. Wrong decisions. And bad timing. Haha. Actually, it really isn’t funny. I forgot where I was going with this. Isn’t that sad? I had this whole thing figured out. Haha. Things never go as I plan, yet I keep planning anyway. Why am I so stupid? When will I learn? Never, probably. I feel dead inside. Dead or lost. I don’t know. I can’t wait till school starts now, I am going to be buried in school work. I won’t have time to think about any of this. That sounds nice. All though AP Calculus. Oh God. I still haven’t finished my summer reading. How sad. Meh. I don’t care. I just don’t care anymore. That is so sad. So unlike me.

Well. This is the first time I am writing in this. Let’s see how this works out. I am glad this is password protected. I have always been to scared to have a diary incase my parents or someone will read it. They are downstairs right now. With Surbhi. She is the favorite. I know I know, every child says this about their siblings. It’s different here though. They don’t treat her any differently. You see, it’s more in the way they talk to and about her. It’s an emotional favortism that they don’t even realize they are doing. Which is why it’s worse, I guess. Because they don’t realize they do it. My parents love me. I know that. But that’s because they have to. I am sorry that I am an awful daughter. I try so hard. I really do. I guess it’s just never good enough, is it? I am never good enough. I wish I could just turn my thoughts and feelings off and be the perfect daughter they want me to be. I want to make them happy. I want them to be proud of me. And the tears start coming… *sigh* I am just never going to do all that. It’s not possible. I am tired of crying.